Sunday, September 13, 2009
Heal The World (Post #4)
Imagine a teenage boy, standing alone at the entrance of a shopping centre and restlessly waiting for the rain to subside. As he waits, the frozen foodstuffs contained in his shopping bags are slowly defrosting and it adds to his obvious agitation. Out of nowhere, a stranger comes by and gives the boy an umbrella. The stranger then goes his own way.
I am the recipient of that random act of kindness described above. Experiencing that made me realise that small gestures can have a profound impact on other people's lives. Having lived in Singapore my entire life, I feel that this is something that most Singaporeans need to realise and act upon.
Since that incident, my senses have been tuned towards recognising when people are in need of help. By helping others in their time of need, I firmly believe that I can cause that same realisation to blossom in others as it did in me. My personal goal is to make the world a better place to live in through the cascading effect of my small gestures.
As the British philosopher Bertrand Russell once said, "No man can be a good teacher unless he has feelings of warm affection toward his pupils and a genuine desire to impart to them what he believes to be of value." As a teacher, I can see myself going the extra mile when necessary and influencing the lives of students positively.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Hi wenjun! I think this is by far, the best personal statement I have read! =) It complys to the 7Cs of writing and it is especially coherent in my opinion.
ReplyDeleteYour paragraphs clearly link to 1 another! I can see how you link your experience to teaching in a very simple but clever way of writing!
A suggestion on my part would be to expand on why do you think Singaporeans need to be kinder? (Isn't that man who helped you a singaporean too?) Other than that, I do not see much faults. Good job!
Hi Wen Jun. I like your opening paragraphs of your personal statement. They really touched me and make me understand where you are coming from, from the platform of an average Singaporean. You have done a good job in showing how sincere you are in injecting that bit of ‘kindness’ and moral education into the future generation. The quote by the philosopher in the last paragraph also highlights and touches explicitly on the context of what makes a good teacher. A good choice made using the quote to support your statement.
ReplyDeleteHowever, I have some opinions about certain aspects as listed:
-From the transition of the second to third paragraph, are you implying that Singaporeans are lacking the awareness of when people are in need of help? If that is the case, how has that kind gesture helped to develop you in what aspect that you can talk about in the subsequent paragraphs?
-In what ways, by helping others in their time of need, can you benefit the students or colleagues in future?
-I feel that for the last sentence in your third paragraph, the mention of ‘the world’ seems to be quite abrupt from your earlier mention of Singapore. Maybe you can concentrate on the context of Singapore? This is just a suggestion.
-The last sentence for the last paragraph has great potential in expressing what you have to offer! Maybe you can try expanding on it.
Other than these suggestions, good job on the stitching of the paragraphs together!
Regards,
Ivan
Dear Wen Jun,
ReplyDeleteI liked the way your first paragraph help to ease your readers into the story proper. However, I feel that you could have more examples instead on how you experienced the joy of helping others in need. This will be much better in assisting your reader to identify with your unique quality.
After reading your statement, your personal quality does not really create a "boom" impression in my mind. I only have strong impression of how you develpped your quality. With examples however, it will help to tell me more on how you make use of your quality in yur everyday life.
Other than that, you have great grammar control and I appreciate the fluency of your statement.
Great Job!
Regards,
Ken Jie
Hi Wen Jun,
ReplyDeleteAfter reading several of your posts, i realised that you have been good at writing coherent pieces. I like the linkage between the paragraphs.
This sentence "...better place to live in through the cascading effect of my small gestures. " had an impact because the audience (aka me) can probably imagine that you could possess other potential qualities e.g. selfless, observant, caring. If i were an interviewer, i would have granted you an interview, to have a closer look on your personality and credentials.
Ivan mentioned "In what ways, by helping others in their time of need, can you benefit the students or colleagues in future?" I'm not sure, but it seems like it was briefly stated in the last line.
The quote does impress, but i feel that it seemed a little off track. The quote mentioned imparting values and warm affection towards students, which i feel that it's slightly different from helping others. Maybe you could remove that quote. Perhaps like what Ivan mentioned, elaborate further on how your unique value can help students?
Looking forward to your other posts!
Hey Wen Jun,
ReplyDeleteGreat job in the smooth flow of your personal statement. I feel that the trait that you have focused on: to help the people around you, is people-orientated and very noble. Not only that, it is clearly relevant and important for the job that you are applying for.
I also believe that you have managed to adequately express your passion for helping others in your last two paragraphs and I also like your use of a quote to close off the statement.
I'm afraid I'd have to disagree with Evonne though, in that I think your quote is relevant to the overall idea of your statement. I believe that passing on 'warm affection' to your students could be considered as helping them, especially for those who are feeling down or pressured in school or at home or who are just generally depressed about life. Showing them 'warm affection' could be the only thing that's preventing them from jumping off a building just because they felt as if all their teachers and parents cared nothing for them, other than their grades. (Sorry, I'm waxing pretty lyrical on this subject.)
Same for passing on valuable knowledge to your students :)
Yeah! Ok, moving on to what I think could be improved on... I think that 'this is something that most Singaporeans need to realise and act upon' while having the possibility of being true, may sound negative to the assesor (who being a teacher, is likely to be Singaporean). Hence, as it gives the impression that you are criticising Singaporeans (in other words, the assesor) on their actions, or rather lack of, and it sounds controversial, I feel that it is best if you do not include the sentence. Otherwise, could you somehow rewrite it to make it sound less harsh?
Nevertheless, despite this hicuup, I've sincerely enjoyed reading your PS, and I hope to see more good work in your upcoming posts.
Cheers!
Abigail
Hi!
ReplyDeleteFirstly, I felt that Ivan brought up really
good points about how your personal statement could be improved, and that Abby also brought up an issue worth considering, about whether you should include such an assertive viewpoint in your statement. Personally, I feel that an objective approach might have worked better, since you are applying to work for the GOVERNMENT of SINGAPORE after all... just a thought :)
That aside, for me, the approach you used for your personal statement stood out and was a breath of fresh air, probably due to how you invited the reader to take part in your experience, with the word “imagine”. The transitions between paragraphs were smooth, and I appreciated your efforts to link the quote to teaching at the end. I also felt that the sentence “My personal goal is to make the world a better place to live in through the cascading effect of my small gestures” was so pretty! Very beautiful, inspiring and effective. It should be made into a song! Haha
Nice work. Your posts are always a joy to read due to the coherency of your language. :)
Impressive. I like this clear, concise and indeed inspiring anecdote. The Russell quote brings everything to a good epifany, too. Very effective statement, Wen Jun.
ReplyDeleteI notice you have received lots of detailed feedback as well. Correct me if I'm wrong though: When I look back over your blogging group members' posts, I don't see any comments by you. Is that true?
I see the act of commenting on classmates' posts a bit like you see a stranger providing you with that umbrella. But to do so in this case would not be random. Just considerate and an integral part of the assignment. I'm sure you see the value in this, right?
Let me know if you have a problem.
Hi Brad,
ReplyDeleteIndeed, it's true that I have not commented recently. It was a conscious choice not to give feedback for the past two rounds of blog posts. Before I get crucified for making such an outrageous declaration, do read on to understand my logic. It's a logic which I recognise as being flawed now.
I find myself unable to eke out enough time to deal with school work and personal issues recently. Therefore, something has got to give. The way I figured, group projects must take highest precedence as I would not want to be a burden to my team mates. I have been letting individual work slide as a result.
I used to perceive posting comments to get credit as individual work. But after you drew the connection between commenting and kindness, something clicked and I realise now that it's not just about fulfilling the criteria set out in the rubric.
As I understand it, one aspect of blog commenting is to point out the pros and cons in each others' work. This way both the "commentor" and the "commentee" learns. By failing to comment, I now recognise that I am being unkind to my classmates. This is because I am denying them feedback from which they might be able to learn.
By the way, I have been intentionally stingy with some details here as I realise that not everyone wishes to be my Agony Aunt (or Uncle). If you would like to hear about my school and personal problems in more detail, feel free to ask.
Thank you for the wake up call.
Thanks everyone for your insightful feedback! I would never have guessed my simple personal statement would elicit such differing opinions from my readers.
ReplyDeleteFirstly, I would like to explain my thinking behind mentioning that "most Singaporeans need to realise and act upon" being kinder to others. It is an attempt to grab attention.
Some readers may not agree with my statement, but most readers will remember it. (Just humour my vanity a little here.) However, don't be mistaken. I am not saying it just to make an memorable impact, I do believe that Singaporeans are by and large an ungracious lot. Seems to me like graciousness is confined to idealistic students, yet to be exposed to (or perhaps strong enough to shrug off) the harsh realities of life.
I felt constrained by the word limit of the blog post hence I did not elaborate by giving examples of ungracious behaviour. For the same reason, I also did not give examples of the small gestures I have performed/can perform. Another reason is because they are really small and not worth mentioning.
All the time and effort taken by you guys in commenting on my personal statement is appreciated. Thanks once again!